What was my soul at that point and what did it amount to after I was flooded with the questions that turned me to question my reality? These were questions that were difficult for me to answer, let alone face alone. I can answer every mathematical and scientific question, but once you ask me a deeper question then I spiral into a frenzy. My soul prior was set and any alterations would have drastic effects if my soul could be altered at all.
First Contact :
My soul was in pain and it was yearning for healing or at the least, answers. I can tell you one thing for sure though, my soul was on the verge of breaking and it was either going to break apart into pieces forever to be broken or it was going to break apart to be reassembled. It was really up to me to decide the fate of my soul. Now, I was at the stage where because I had overcome depression and I wasn’t “sad”, I thought I could handle anything life would throw at me. This is my pride. This is my weakness. This the part of my humanity that always holds me back! Truth is, this hurdle was beyond life, it was a divine interference. The prior event made another part of me come into fruition that I did not think I had possessed. It was the ability to call on others for help. It was to call my brother so that I may allow the Lord’s Will to be done through him.
Even though usually I never went out of my way to ask for help, this time was different because somewhere deep inside me guided my belief that I needed to talk to someone and I needed to do it now.
It took me 5 minutes of pacing and staring at my phone before I picked up my phone to call my brother, Hua Yong. Honestly, I didn’t even think he was going to pick it up because it was about eleven at night At the time I did it because I had nothing to lose and now I know that if God wanted it to happen, He will make it happen. Be assured of that. When it was ringing I became anxious because I didn’t know what to say. It was weird for me to ask for help. Sadly, I never call any of my siblings when I am facing challenges.
Breaking Point :
When my brother picked up, I lost it instantly. I seriously thought I was going to last more than 3 minutes at least! But all the pain, suffering, and fears flood out of me like sand through the hourglass. It was a constant flow of expelling poison and my brother was the willing recipient to hear my poison. I think it surprised him and he probably wasn’t expecting a call from me to be a call for help. I released everything that was stuck in my soul about how I felt about death with our parents. It was difficult for my brother to understand what I went through because physically, my parents were okay. My mother was just diagnosed with Addison’s but that was the extent of it. That diagnosis was the first time I realized that my parents were not going to live forever and seeing my grandpa was the catalyst needed to propel confrontation.
It felt really good though. I let it all out and I couldn’t stop sobbing but it felt so relieving. Sometimes you just need to be heard by someone who cares. It doesn’t matter if that someone can give you an answer or cure, sometimes you just need someone with willing ears. I’m grateful that I had a brother who had open ears. I’m glad my God gave me the courage to call my brother. I’m glad my God helped me release my soul. I’m forever grateful my God broke my soul so He could put it back together stronger than ever before. I’m forever grateful my God provided me with a firm soul in him as to allow a young warring spirit to take seed.
“And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.”
Matthew 22: 37
Giving Up :
I believe there is a separation of a soul and spirit yet they are tied. One can live this earthly life with a soul of the world but then your spirit is a spirit of the world. Your soul and spirit are tied to the world, good and bad. When I released my soul, it wasn’t the fact I was getting rid of it to receive a new one. What it means to me is to release my human control and right to my soul. You are at the altar of God when you make the choice to transfer dominion of your soul from you to God, resulting in a soul of heaven. With a soul of heaven, you also may receive a spirit of the heaven. Through a spirit not constrained by the earth and its sin, but by heaven love, your faith can flourish with unbounded limitations. I’ve come to realize that God doesn’t get angry at us when we don’t listen to him, the truth is, is that He is saddened when we don’t give him the opportunity to allow him to help us. When humans cling onto their human control of their soul then they are stealing from the Lord the opportunity for him to give you his salvation. That is a struggle that I face today, but it gets easier over time through Christ.
The strongest Christian is characterized when his soul, spirit and his mind are united with one purpose, that is the will of the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, I know He is happy that I am fighting for Him, and I am happy He chose me. I just had to accept it in my heart, you see. For our God has also chosen You, but have You truly accepted it in your heart to be his warrior? The Lord needs only a willing vessel strong in Christ and willing to release the control of their soul. To relinquish the soul-ties to this world in order to accept a heavenly soul capable of nourishing an uncontrollable spirit willing to do anything in the Lord’s name. Will you make the decision to call on others to enable you to do what God wills in us? Will you release your control of your soul and give it to the Lord to allow eternal salvation?