It was three days before Christmas and I was in the holiday mood. I was recovering from some of the hardest periods of depression and I felt for the first time in a while that there was a sense of calmness in life. School had just finished and I killed the semester and I just felt at ease. It was going to be the first Christmas in three years where I didn’t have to fake that I was dying inside. The honest truth is, was that I was dying but I didn’t want to face the truth. Not only me, but the world around me was dying. I was indeed out of the grips of depression but I just had no feelings or care about me or the outside world. When you don’t care about yourself or the world, you are dying because the world is becoming further away from you as you care less about it.
One of my the fears that I’ve had since I was young was death. I was not afraid of death itself because it was familiar grounds to me. What made me scared of death was how the world would be as a result. I had reached a point in my life where death pertaining to myself, my parents, and my ambitions were slowly being pushed out of my mind because of my tendencies to avoid thinking about it. I was content with stillness, afraid of moving forward, and scared of moving backward. I wasn’t expecting what was going to happen when I would do my regular check up on my parents that night.
The Experience :
I saw, with earthly eyes, grandpa where my father was resting. The last thing on my mind was God but something holy happened that bolted and rejuvenated the life within me. When I realized who I was looking at I became extremely disturbed and out of whack. I froze up and I was in a state of panic and memories of true fear sprang up from the deepest parts of my soul. I am facing my fear, that is death, right now and I have no one here to help me out. Perhaps it was because my father started to look so much like my grandpa that I had not realized it because I was not paying attention to my parents or to life in general. Surely I tell you it was because God was wanting to reveal something deeper within me. Something truer than the fake life that I had been living up to that point. The experience came and went in an Earth second, but it felt like an eternity to my soul. There was an aching pain and as soon as it passed I sprinted outside.
I needed to breathe because I was having a panic attack and it was getting harder to breathe the more I breathed. I needed to talk to someone but I had no one. I had distanced myself from my siblings and I didn’t feel like I could talk to anyone. The one brother that I was once close with in high school would never understand or comprehend what I had experienced or gone through. I determined that God was powerful and I saw my grandpa because I needed to face the truth that I was denied. I was rejecting death and accepting complacency with life. I wasn’t living life to the fullest and just going with the motions.
Questions that had long been buried arose and there was a great spiritual battle occurring inside my very hearts. My grandpa that I saw represented death, and it was a big wake up call to face my fears and to settle with myself many questions my soul was yearning to ask.
- If you were to die now, would you love yourself?
- If you were to die now, would your parents and family be proud?
- If you were to die now, would the world cry?
- If you were to die now, would you regret anything?
- If you were to die now, would you want to live?
- If you were to die now, would you be forgotten?
Then more flood in faster than I could take them.
- If your parents were to die now, would you miss them?
- If your parents were to die now, would you be sad?
- If your parents were to die now, would you regret not loving them more?
- If your parents were to die now, would you want them back?
- If your parents were to die now, can you truly say that they were proud of you?
- If your parents were to die now, could your family depend on you?
And then the most disturbing of questions.
- Why are you not facing the truth that life-not-eternal, is life not worth living?
- Why are you not realizing the life you possess is life that should not be but was given by the grace of God?
- Why are you not fulfilling My will?
- Why can you face all these questions and still be okay tomorrow?
- Why are you afraid of death, when in Me you have eternal life?
- Why are you rejecting Me and My sacrifice?
- Why are you lonely in this fight?
Spiritual Penetration :
I was shaking uncontrollably and I was scared. I didn’t know what was going on. The last thing on my mind for years was God. The last real encounter I had with Him was three years ago during my freshman year of college when I was at the point of giving up on life. I didn’t know who was asking these questions whether it was my soul, or if it was Jesus but the experience was surreal. These questions of truth were like swords stabbing my soul to release the toxic poison from within. The swords of truth revealed to me what I was honestly scared of. The swords revealed a path of regret and sorrow where I would be dead in soul well into my golden years until I looked at myself deeply through a mirror. The swords revealed to me the light that was possible at the end of this epic experience if I so chose to believe. Believe I did for I was on my knees praying to a God I had not talked to crying out for His help. I mustered the courage and I called my brother, Hua Yong, and it would be the saving grace that I had cried for and which He had answered with all His love. He did not forget about me and He for sure was not going to let a vessel shrivel up and die because through Him death has no place in my heart.
“Truly, truly, I say to you, whoever hears my word and believes him who sent me has eternal life. He does not come into judgment, but has passed from death to life.”
Behold ladies and gentlemen is how God found me and how I cried out to Him for His companionship. Like how the grave had no right over Jesus, we too can harness His power so that death has no right in our life or our close ones. In Christ, we die surely, but only to be resurrected in His image, as His loving child, as His helper to carry out His heavenly will.